I don't usually arrange sex via text message
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
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