I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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