turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
