tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Randomize
