Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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