I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
