swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
