I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I just want nice things and good sex
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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