shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
people are starting to question the shark bite story
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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