Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
