Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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