i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
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