I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
