happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
