At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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