I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
