i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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