Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
birth control should be required to get into college
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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