i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
