She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I have already put on my inside pants.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
