Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
well you can't waste a boner
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
