I can't watch pbs sober anymore
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
