Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
