We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
