So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
