i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Randomize
