I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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