I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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