i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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