I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
