Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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