from now on my penis is your penis
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
