for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
