I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
