Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
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