do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
