Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
