My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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