I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
