my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I accidentally burped into my bong.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
