I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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