I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
