Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
