My liver just broke up with me...
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Randomize
