so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
