I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
