I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Your cock deserves a montage
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
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