If that was your dad, he is hot
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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