this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
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He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
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I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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