I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
In America we eat man semen.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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