forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
