I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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