Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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