enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
