I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Randomize
