A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
