So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
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