I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I puked a lego.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Your cock deserves a montage
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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