On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
