apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
