I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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