Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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